Lately, I’ve been thinking about the “Who Am I?” section of the blog. You know: the link everyone clicks when they come here for the first time and try to find out who I am and what I’m about. As I mentioned in one of yesterday’s posts, the section is currently TEEMING with shame and self-resentment and a desire to make huge changes. Well, now those changes have been made. And while I’m still a work in progress, am I really still the same person who wrote that section of the blog?
In most ways, no. Instead of feeling embarrassed by my weight loss journey, I feel proud of it. Instead of loathing my body for its failings, I’m coming to be proud of what it can do. I no longer crave ice cream and cookies every day. I no longer feel shy about whether or not some bitchy girl from high school finds this blog and reads it. A lot has changed — physically AND mentally — since January.
And so I wondered: should I re-write that section to describe where I’m at now? Or how my path is continuing?
After some careful reflection, though, I think I should leave it the way it is. And here’s why.
When I first started this blog, I wasn’t doing it so that anyone would support me. I wasn’t doing it so that I could brag and wax philosophical about how awesome it feels to get healthier. I was doing it because I needed to keep myself accountable; I needed to admit in writing that there was a problem, before I could begin to SOLVE the problem. Further, writing the “Who Am I?” section in this blog was the first time I ever put down a lot of those thoughts into words. And if you know me, you know I put most things into words pretty quickly and easily. And so there’s something both sad and painful about that section of the blog, for me.
It is, in a sense, my “Before” picture.
I am hesitant to change it — and in fact, will not change it — because I didn’t write this blog for the person I am now, or people like her/me. I wrote this blog — and WRITE this blog — for people who might read that “Who Am I?” section and identify with it down to their core. I write this blog so that folks who DO still feel shame, or feel shy, or loathe themselves might see in me an example of transformation — not just another stupid and annoying blog about wellness and lululemon leggings or something. Like, the things I say now in the blog, well, most of them are things that people always told me I would think/feel once I “got there.” I didn’t believe them, really, but I guess those people were all right. You know: the endorphins, the way running becomes addictive in a good way, how clean eating feels good too, etc. And this blog was never, ever, ever, ever intended to be just another blog about how great it is to be healthy. It was intended to be a blog about how hard it is to become a person who is healthy.
And so, despite my attitudes and body changing rapidly, the “Who Am I?” section will remain as-is. It is the “before” picture of my mindset and my emotional journey which, as anybody losing weight can tell you, is just as — if not more — important than the physical journey.
Owning my story is part of my evolution and self-transformation. It’s like I always say: Speak your truth, and you’ll be surprised how many people are listening.
Thanks for listening, guys.