WAH.

I am currently gobbling down my lunch in the brief half hour I have between teaching and my pedagogy group meeting. I don’t like rushing through meals — it’s not ideal — but it is the only option. Not that a half hour is all that bad. I don’t mind, really. But sometimes I just want a breather, and I want to eat and relax for a little bit.

I’ve found that if I rush through eating something, it’s like I don’t even know that I ate it — my body and brain can’t sync up on what’s just happened. So Tuesday lunches kinda go down that way, which is frustrating.

Also frustrating? This weekend, my dad took us out to a nice Valentine’s Day dinner — everything was really delicious, but would have been even MORE delicious had I not been sick. Congestion limits my sense of taste by like, 60% and so I’m furious that I had my ‘cheat day’ where I ate and enjoyed, but enjoyed less than I would have if I were well. I feel the same way about times when I get cornered with bad foods and have no way out — for example, being at a party where there’s only pizza being served, etc. These days, I know I just gotta move through my days prepared, with a bag of snap peas or carrots and plenty of water. But there’s really a part of me that resents when 1) I don’t have control over my own choices, when I’m working on weight loss AND/OR 2) when I have to rush through eating and not even enjoy what I’m tasting AND/OR 3) when I am too sick or too tired to enjoy my eats.

I think the reason I feel this way is because so much of weight loss is coming to understand food as nourishment, and seeing eating as an act that — while often social — should serve a more practical purpose, and never an emotional one. So times when I eat because I “don’t want to seem rude” or am tired or am too sick to enjoy a high-PP treat… I get kind of discouraged.

Thankfully, that doesn’t happen often. I know ways to make sure I always have healthy snacks on hand. I do indulge on days when I’m willing and able to do so. I’ve been working out. I’ve been eating consciously, instead of mindlessly. So here’s hoping those trends continue.

Today, as I gobble up my lunch at warp speed, I am thankful that I can taste my yogurt and the flax seed I’ve put in it (it always tastes like graham crackers, to me) and that I can go for a run on my treadmill this evening because — wait for it, waaaait for it: I CAN FINALLY BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE AGAIN.

…With the help of a breathing strip.

….About which I am only marginally embarrassed.

#hatersgonhate

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